Why Thankfulness Matters for Ministry Families: What Pastors’ Kids Remember

Having a spirit of thankfulness in ministry can be challenging at times. My wife and I often swap stories from our childhood, stories only pastors’ kids (PKs) truly understand. We remember being the first ones to arrive at church and the last ones to leave. We remember those Sunday afternoon naps that felt sacred. We remember being mentioned in multiple sermon illustrations. We remember feeling like the church building was a second home.

But we also remember the hard moments:

• The look on our parents’ faces after a difficult Sunday
• The late-night calls that end with dad having to leave
• The rude gossip and sometimes public criticism from church members who thrive on being divisive
• The awkward car rides home after an argumentative business meeting
• The tension and fatigue they tried to hide

We didn’t understand church politics or leadership dynamics when we were young, but we could understand that ministry can take a heavy toll. Even though our parents never intended for it, we also felt the burden of some of that weight, too.

What stuck with us the most wasn’t necessarily the conflicts themselves; it was the way our parents reacted, whether positively or negatively, when ministry seemed overwhelming.

How Do Your Kids View the Church?

Some research notes that pastors and their families face higher scrutiny and pressure, which can shape children’s emotional experiences and perceptions of church life. A Barna study on pastoral parenting pressures found that over half of pastors worry their kids feel pressure to behave in a certain way because of their family’s role in the church, which can influence how PKs may relate to the church and their faith.

Pastors and ministry spouses often underestimate how closely their kids are watching and listening. Children absorb far more than the details; they absorb the atmosphere of their home. Your words, facial expressions, and behavior set the tone for your home and, quite frankly, how your kids and spouse may view ministry and the church.

Kids and teens notice:

• The heaviness in the car ride home
• The attitudes during conversations about church people
• The difference between your joy and resentment
• Whether gratitude is present or fading

They’re forming their earliest impressions of the church not from the sermons or the programs, but from the heart posture they see modeled at home. Long before they understand ministry, they understand the emotional climate that surrounds it. That’s why cultivating a spirit of thankfulness matters.

Thankfulness Is Not Pretending, It’s Anchoring Your Heart

Thankfulness doesn’t mean pretending ministry is easy or ignoring wounds. It doesn’t mean hiding your emotions or keeping your kids in the dark. Kids need to see that ministry, and life for that matter, is not always picture perfect.

Instead, biblical thankfulness is an intentional choice to anchor your heart in what is true:

• God is faithful.
• His calling is good.
• His grace is present in every season.
• His people are worth loving, even those who are difficult.
• His provision shows up again and again.

A spirit of thankfulness flows from a grateful heart, one shaped by Christ rather than circumstances.

How Your Thankfulness Shapes Their View of the Church

When many pastors’ kids become adults, they trace their church wounds back not to the church itself, but to how ministry shaped the climate of their home, or how the church hurt them.

But the opposite is also true.

Some of the most joyful, grounded, spiritually resilient adults are those who grew up watching their parents:

• pray with thanksgiving
• talk about people with grace
• express gratitude even in hardship
• celebrate the good far more than focusing on the bad

They grew up seeing that ministry wasn’t perfect, but it was worth it.

So Here’s the Encouragement

Pastor, pastor’s wife: You don’t have to be perfect.

You don’t have to pretend the hard moments don’t hurt.

You don’t have to manufacture joy.

But you can choose to let gratitude rise a little louder than frustration.

You can show your kids that hard things can still be holy things.

You can give them the gift of seeing thanksgiving lived out in real time.

And years from now, when they talk about their childhood, they may say:

“Yes, ministry was challenging. Yes, it required sacrifices. But my parents showed me what grace looks like. They showed gratitude. And because of that, I love the church! Not because it was perfect, but because they taught me how to see it through the eyes of Christ.”

While I am not a perfect example of having a thankful spirit, I pray that God will continue to work in me so that my kids will love the church as Christ loves the church.